PRE-WRITTEN BOOK REVIEWS

The worst part about reading a friend’s book isn’t the buying or even the reading. It’s writing them a review afterwards.

These dozen reviews will help. Just cut and paste the appropriate one and your good deed is complete!

6 stars

HOLEY MOLEY THAT WAS JUST TERRIFIC!

I’m a voracious reader! I mean I read EVERYTHING! Signs on the highway, the back of cereal boxes, handwritten notes strangers have left on my windshield if I’m blocking their driveway... but this book was one of the highlights of my life! Everything was perfect! The font, the cover, the order in which the words appeared. I mean, why are there only 5 stars? Is there a star shortage in America? 6 stars! You can’t control me!

5 stars

IT’S BOOKS LIKE THIS THAT MAKE ME GLAD THAT I LEARNED TO READ!

What a remarkable time-killing experience equipped with crisp, stellar writing. Each sentence flowed so seamlessly into the next that it made me question why we even need any punctuation in our language when there is a veritable keyboard wizard like this amazing author helming the controls!

4 ½ stars

PUT DOWN THE JOYSTICK AND EXPERIENCE AN ELEVATED FORM OF JOY!

I play video games 14 hours a day and I haven’t read a book since high school but I really enjoyed the twenty-five minutes I spent flipping through this magnificent tome. I had to subtract half a star because I found a typo on page 82 and I have OCD.

4 stars

DEFINITELY TRADE YOUR MONEY FOR THIS PUBLISHED WORK!

Check this out. I had no books and $11 in my checking account. With a few clicks and some creative bookkeeping I now have .80 cents in my checking account but I officially own a book! I highly recommend you do the same. It’s really fun to see something sitting on your shelf that houseguests can touch and pick up and then put back in a different place and drive you crazy. On the other hand, if I left $11 on a shelf they’d just stuff that in their filthy thieving pockets.

3 ½ stars

GOOD BUT COULD BE BETTER IF HE HAD TAKEN MY NOTES!

Seriously, dude. You asked me to read an early draft and I gave you my thoughts and I think you took like one of my suggestions and that was not to dedicate the book to Hitler. If you’re gonna ask people for their thoughts, you should at least consider using some.

3 stars

I BOUGHT A USED COPY AND THERE WERE DOODLES IN THE MARGINS!

Why would you spend money on a book and then deface it? Not too bright! I just bought a new car and as soon as I drove it home, I smashed all the windows with a mallet. Because I was trying to prove a point.

2 ½ stars

MY FAVORITE THING I DID ALL DAY!

Full disclosure: I did read the book cover-to-cover but I had a pretty rotten day so maybe my review is as tainted as the chicken sandwich I bought at the deli that gave me salmonella poisoning. On the other hand, if – like me! -- your house got robbed and the tires on your Vespa got slashed then maybe this book will brighten your otherwise horrific day, albeit slightly.

2 stars

COME FOR THE COVER, STAY FOR THE PROLOGUE

You can definitely tell a book by its cover so whoever coined that phrase seems like a dick, imo. I really enjoyed the six or seven colors used in the art and the author’s photo was definitely not taken in the past decade or two but it was nicely cropped.

1 ½ stars

WALL-TO-WALL SUSPENSE!

And it’s not even a mystery or a thriller. The suspense to me was whether or not I would get past page 50 (spoiler alert: I didn’t!). Definitely worth buying if you’re really lonely and waiting for people to call you back and there’s nothing on Hulu that you haven’t already watched five times.

1 star

PERFECT FOR YOUR MIDDLE-SCHOOLER STUDYING FOR THE SPELLING BEE!

Even though it’s a book about the 1973 Cincinnati Reds, with words such as fuchsia (page 241), soubrette (page 33) and paraphernalia (page 140) this is the ultimate guide for any prepubescent trying to become a spelling bee star! Good l-u-c-k. Luck!

½ star

OVERRATED

Full disclosure: I went to high school with the author and have pretended to like him for the past three decades and I’ve been looking for an escape hatch to sever this toxic, artificial relationship. This is my opportunity. Sorry, pal. Your words are inferior and so is your attitude.

Zero stars

WHOOPS!

I’m a Hebrew scholar and accidentally read the entire book from right to left so it ultimately lacked suspense since I knew who the killer was on page 1 (actually page 289). Anyway, you might want to get a second opinion from a more traditional reader.