MAGIC FOR MAGA
Sleight of hand for the slight of brains
1.)
Making the Statue of Liberty disappear
Now you see her, now her torch has been melted down into some beams for Trump’s new ballroom!
2.)
Pulling fake news from a MAGA hat
No, that thing you just said never happened but if you repeat it over and over again and so do all your friends it magically becomes true. Congrats, you current event shapeshifters!
3.)
The Cut and Restored Bedsheet
Make the bedsheet change length, then cut it into little pieces, then put it back together just in time to make it seem like Jeffrey Epstein hanged himself with it! Abraca-suicide!
4.)
The Invisible Man
We see a suit and tie and some eyeglasses all floating in the air. But there’s nobody there! Oh, wait, that’s useless Mike Johnson!
5.)
Bullet Catch
A dangerous, dramatic trick where a president appears to catch a fired bullet in his ear cartilage that remarkably grows back overnight.
6.)
Escaping from paying taxes*
A death-defying maneuver where CEOs are suspended upside down in a locked, water-filled tank, then immediately let out and allowed to write off everything their company made that year.
7.)
Walking on Water
Look at that! Trump can walk on water – just like Jesus! Hang on, that’s just a puddle of lib tears.
8.)
Bait and Switch Accents
Oxford-educated Senators like John N. Kennedy of Louisiana -- who in reality sound closer to Lawrence Olivier -- choose to speak like Foghorn Leghorn so they seem as dumb as their constituents. Presto! He’s as stupid as you!
9.)
Torn and Restored Constitution
A classic trick where a significant document is torn to pieces and then magically restored to its original state without any blemishes. But wait, something seems off... Ah, even though it seems impeccably back together a bunch of amendments have been removed and replaced by ads for Trump commemorative coins.
10.)
Gotcha nose!
You’ll get it back after you forfeit any semblance of moral principles and vote exactly how Trump tells you to vote.
11.)
The Cups and Balls
Considered the oldest trick in magic, it involves balls of crumpled up Epstein Files appearing, disappearing, and moving between cups, showcasing fundamental sleight of hand. Now you see ‘em, now you never will again because they’re fucking liars.
12.)
Sawing your paychecks in half
Hey, lookie here! Prices of everything keep going up and if you don’t want to get fired you’ll take less money and no health insurance at the three jobs you hate.
13.)
Balancing Glass on a Playing Card Trick
If the glass falls over and breaks it’s not your fault, it’s Biden’s!
14.)
Crime Levitation
This popular trick makes all of your lawlessness and felonies -- be it storming the Capitol, dealing drugs or ripping off the poor -- float away into thin air thanks to the magic of pardon power. And that’s not a wand he’s holding -- it’s Matt Schlapp’s dick.
15.)
Coin behind the ear
Wow, that’s amazing! That quarter wasn’t behind your ear before! Now you can use it to help pay for the tariffs on your bananas.
16.)
Razor blade swallow
Hopefully everyone in the cabinet is practicing this now.
*Billionaires only!